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I left class early Tuesday...we were talking about NOTHING...The fact that gossip and stupidity is what I'm getting after paying $250 per credit hour is making me sick. Mid Terms are coming up I already received my AT HOME Psych. test, but it doesn't look that hard to do.I'm thinking of staying at Jared's and doing it...or at the library. But I'll have better luck at the library...given its SuperBowl weekend and all. I don't really want to stay and watch the game. Although I probably will...for the trailers. I realized I'm tired. Oddly enough. I sat back in the cafeteria and started gazingfor a while...just thinking. About what? Lots of stuff. It hasn't been a full year here in Seattle and I sometimes hate it here. Jason says I can come home. But I CAN'T, see? I have too much...pride...I suppose. I can't force myself to say "You were right" to AA, I really can't. I literally hear her in my head and...like she's taughnting me. Wanting me to break down. I felt like crawling somewhere the other day...just staying put in a hole. Hence why I'm been taking my meds again. Yes Yes. The one who swore of medication...hypocrisy....I'm ful of it. I found some old prescrips. in my suitcase Saturday and I've been taking 3 everyday since. For some odd reason, I felt REALLY low on Sunday...i ended up bursting into tears with Jared at a stupid take out place. He looked so cute...all worried and concerned. Then he reached into my bag to look for some kleenex and took out the little canister...I actually say his face DROP. He didn't say anything though...just gave me this weary look and looked down. I whispered sorry and he let out "Right." I'm sure if I was off the meds, I woulda walked right out and not said a word to him. However...I reached out for him and clung myself on his arm. Maybe its a reaction 2 the pills...god I dont know. I wasnt overly emotional yesterday or today...so I think it was some subconscious thing... I dont like taking them. But I dont hate taking them either. I dont feel...as MAD...I can say that for sure. Atleast not yet, anyway. What I SHOULD feel is stressed out... I have 5 midterms in the span of 2 weeks... I'm feeling ok b/c I know I'm taking meds, lol. I think when I actually REALIZE or care that meds are useless pieces of garbage that fuck up my hormonial patterns and deprive me of any feeling...I'll do away with them. Besides..its been like 2-3 days...stuff won't kick into gear until thursday tops. I stopped meds a year and 1/2 ago...HA! thats sad. thats kinda short, right? I think it is. Before, I was pumping myself on Davis' behalf...him being dead and all didn't feel right to me. It still doesnt, oddly enough. I dont even know HOW i managed to live from the age of 12 till 17...perhaps I can get scooby to crack the case...i remember being diagnosed w/depression and my dad getting a laugh. I laughed too. A little too much, I guess. That disturbed people more. So then I was on 'temproray' crap...TRIAL RUN so to speak. Then he'd start adding and subtracting certain types...trying to balance it all out. Didnt work much. Then I was off of 'em for a bit. Luckily, Davis managed to kill himself in the following months, so jayne had another reason to start laughing. No, i really didnt laugh. I cried. My eyes out. My heart. My spleen. My soul. Everything existant in myself... I'd like to say I hate Davis. He managed to fuck me up EVEN more. Yet I sometimes congratulate him. I sometimes think he did it to tease me...I imagine him pointing his finger at me and saying "HA! GOTCHA! WHAT NOW!" but he soon understands he went a little too far. Atleast thats what I get out of this whole mess... Jared was scared to death when I told him about Davis. I'm a little...surprised I did, actually. I've told everyone on-line that I have a completed suicide family member...its easier not to face it. And I'm not saying it aloud...when its on the net its just a statement w/a pretty font and color added to it. Saying it...its not right. But yeah...me telling Jared...he was quiet. He asked if it was hereditaty. I was insulted. He said he asked b/c he wanted to make sure I wasn't suicidal. I was then quiet. He got a little angry. He demanded and answer. I gave it to him and he started yelling. It was fabulous. I remember my self esteem had dropped to a grand low of 159 points and I felt like the stupidest person on earth. He continued to butcher me with statements that pretty much said I would be a coward, yadda yadda...then he stopped. I guess he understood yelling at your some what suicidal fuck friend wasn't the BEST way to mend her spirits....I think Davis would've been in hysterics if he was watching Jared and I...pointing down (or up) at us and saying "HAHAH. I ALMOST RUINED YOUR RELATIONSHIP! BEAT THAT"...pointing and saying BEAT THAT was his signiture come back/diss/insult...a skill I've been using every single fucking day...annoying the rest of the world...good times Davis.fucking GREAT times